Malia: Will you do a date test for me?
MJ: Date test?
Malia: I saw it in my Cosmo magazine, and I wanted to test “my man”.
MJ: Ugh!
Malia: Please?
MJ: Is this something that if I mess up you are going to get upset about and make me sleep on the couch?
Malia: I know you are at your south house, so worst case scenario I may need a night to myself if you know what I mean?
MJ: So I might end up sleeping on the couch when I get home?
Malia: No, you could sleep on the bed at your south house.
MJ: But if I came home you would make me sleep on the couch?
Malia: I want to know if you know the answers. Please?
MJ: What if I mess up? I’m tired. We have been moving shit and stuff all day!
Malia: Try for me?
MJ: Fine, but regardless if I know the answers perfectly or not, you do know that I love you unconditionally and I would lay down my life for you anytime right?
Malia: I do. Before I ask you these questions, promise me you will honestly try to get the answers right. I will give you the answers at the end.
MJ: I promise I will do my best babe.
Malia: Question #1. What day did we meet?
MJ: 3-8-12
Malia: Question #2. What day did you meet Gotye?
MJ: I thought these questions were about dates? As in, our dates!
Malia: MJ, please just answer all of the questions.
MJ: Fine. 12-8-05.
Malia: Question #3. Where did you take me on our first date?
MJ: Colettes in Baltimore, Maryland.
Malia: Question #4. Where did you take Gotye on your first date?
MJ: I’m not sure. I think we went to a movie.
Malia: What movie?
MJ: I have no idea. I was literally taking a guess, because we went to this one movie theater a lot at the beginning.
Malia: Question #5. Did you have reservations about marrying me?
MJ: No
Malia: Not one?
MJ: You singlehandedly, besides my family, kept me alive and helped me recover from dying! That alone eliminates any reservation I could ever think I would have.
Malia: Question #6. Did you have reservations about marrying Gotye?
MJ: Yes
Malia: Then why did you go through with it?
MJ: I didn’t want to disappoint my family, and I guess I just thought there was a good enough factor with her. No offense to her on that. She just wasn’t my soulmate like you are. I hope she finds Mrs. Right though. I don’t wish her ill or anything. Her perfect girl is out there somewhere, and I hope she finds her.
Malia: Question #7. Have you ever thought about her while we were having sex?
MJ: No
Malia: How can I be sure about that?
MJ: Because the last time I had sex with her was 3 years before we started fooling around.
Malia: Question #8. If CJ wouldn’t have come into this world, when would you have ended things with her or would you have stayed with her? You don’t have to address how much you love CJ. I know baby. Everybody knows.
MJ: But everything else would have happened exactly the same way?
Malia: Yes.
MJ: I should have called off the wedding the night before. I had a massive panic attack and called my Mom, and my best friend, who were in Austin for the wedding at like 3oclock in the morning the night before. I knew it was wrong then, and I knew it was wrong before that to, but the night before the wedding, since I hadn’t called it off before everyone had traveled so far, and the whole good enough factor thing again really. I will tell you something that I haven’t told anyone before, not even my mom, who I’m about to reference in this story. After we said our “I do’s” at the alter, and were turning around to step down off the alter and down the isle as man and wife, the first thing I saw was my Mom. She had her head down in disappointment, or almost like an unexplainable, I hurt for my son type of sadness, and it threw me off big time. I doubt anyone will remember this, but I missed the first step down off of the alter, and I almost fell on the ground. I have never told anyone that story, until today.
Malia: Holy shit! Why didn’t you tell me this before?
MJ: There wasn’t a reason to talk about it before.
Malia: I love you baby. Thank you for doing this. Question #9. I’m going off script at this point, because the rest of the questions we’ve kind of covered already. Since you didn’t actually need Gotye to have CJ, if you could have CJ, without ever having met Gotye, would you have done that?
MJ: Do we still meet?
Malia: Yes
MJ: I think the way she treated me caused a lot of what happened between us to happen, so I don’t know.
Malia: Pretend we still end up where we are today, but none of the things, both good and bad had to happen.
MJ: Do I have to say it? People are going to hate me. I already feel bad about my answer, before I even type it.
Malia: Then put a hedge first.
MJ: Good idea. Although I wish Gotye the best in all her endeavors, I don’t think we should have been together, and I think we would have been happier apart than together, which has proven out of course. Some people are just oil and water you know?
Malia: I do.
MJ: Plus, at the end of the day, none of the real life “MJ The Terrible” events would have happened, and none of the other things would have happened, that only the people close to the situation know about- SO, ABSOLUTELY I WOULD HAVE NEVER MET HER IF THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE, AND STILL HAVE CJ!
Malia: Question #10. What days have we gotten married?
MJ: I will send you the date for the Maryland date privately, due to the legal liability part of the answer to that, but lets just say I was a happy man in early 2016, at a very fine establishment, in and around the beltway area. I love you baby. Then, we got married again in Austin, on March 8th.
Malia: Question #11. What day and year did you marry Gotye?
MJ: April 5th, 2009.
Malia: All done with the questions.
MJ: How did I do?
Malia: Thank you for answering the questions and you did great baby.
MJ: Am I sleeping on the couch?
Malia: Only if you want to after some mother fucking time.
MJ: I get to be a mother fucker today?
Malia: OH YEAH!
MJ: Can I come home now? Its late. Are you going to touch my pee pee?
Malia: Nope!
MJ: But you just said….
Malia: I know what I said. I was planning on doing a lot more to your “pee pee” than just touching it, so I said…. Nope!
MJ: How many questions did I get right?
Malia: Do you care? You did good enough to get all the sex you can handle when you get here. That is how many questions you got right.
MJ: Sounds like I mother fucking aced the date test.
Malia: Mother fucking right you did!
MJ: I’m on the mother fucking way!
Malia: I’m mother fucking ready!
