Malia: My husband is a mad man. We are backstage at a Lana Del Rey concert, and my sexy crazy pervert of a husband is drunk off his ass, yelling “Stoli is my shit”. He even tried to have sex with me in the basketball teams locker room for crying out loud. “MJ The Horndog”. #whyisitsosexywhenmenactafool
MJ: Tried to?
Malia: Baby! I might have gone to take a look at the locker room with you. To see what it looked like. I’ve never seen one before.
MJ: Ohhhhh! I see. Well let me ask you this little lady. Did you have sexual relations when you were in the basketball teams locker room?
Malia: I don’t kiss and tell.
MJ: Fair enough. You don’t have to tell about the kissing part then. You can just tell about the other things you did in the locker room besides kissing.
Malia: F____ you!
MJ: You just did!
Malia: In the locker room?
MJ: Exactly!
Malia: Well now I feel bad about it.
MJ: Baby, we were just 2 fans showing our team pride, and honoring the Longhorns, by christening the locker room with love.
Malia: You could put a positive spin on anything. And no!
MJ: I haven’t even asked yet!
Malia: But you were going to.
MJ: Let’s just go look at the visitors locker room? We saw the home teams. Don’t you wonder what the away teams looks like?
Malia: No…ish!
MJ: Uh huh. We’ll just go see what it looks like. Just take a peek. A quick peek.
Malia: One things for sure, you can’t sweet talk me into it from wherever you and the rest of Team Stolli are at now.
MJ: Baby, you have no idea where I was. In fact I wasn’t with Team Stolli at all.
Malia: Team name stealer!
Malia: Where are you then?
MJ: Locker room lover!
MJ: I’ll have you know, Ms I don’t kiss and tell Johnson. I was getting this locker room ready for our visit, by fixing the things you didn’t like about the the other locker room.
Malia: And now you’re coming to get me? Like I’m just supposed to be ready for you when you beckon. You already had dinner. The main course was served!
MJ: And I loved dinner! But after dinner, you need desert!
Malia: You mean dessert? Dessert has 2 s’s.
MJ: Baby, it’s been so long since I had dessert, I forgot how to even spell it.
Malia: Tell me, why did I marry you again? We are going to get in trouble.
MJ: NOPE! This is a matter of national security.
Malia: From dessert to national security?
MJ: We gotta make sure this building is safe. All rooms must be checked.
Malia: I refuse to be apart of your sexcapades Mr. Johnson. I am by the trophies. Should I keep walking straight or go down the hallway with offices?
MJ: Thank you Dubs.
Dubs: No problem! Is he ready?
Malia: Is he ready? He who?
MJ: For as much as your Valentines Day present cost baby, he better be ready!
Malia: You didn’t!!!
MJ: I did!
MJ: Malia, will you please come kiss me while Mr. Jon Bon Jovi sings Bed of Roses? Malia: Omg!
MJ: Dubs, don’t let her come in yet.
MJ: Frank Erwin Center staff, Lana Del Rey and company, and Mr Jon Bon Mother Fuckin Jovi, thank you for letting me/us do this!!!
Malia…HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!! P.S. Please don’t leave me after this kiss, like back in 2013.
Malia: I shouldn’t have left the first time. I will never leave you Michael. I mean that. You call me your angel, but I think you are mine. I’m Bon Jovi ready! Can I hug him?
MJ: A quick buddy hug. Bon Jovi you better not get handsy! MJ: Bon Jovis response…”You guys are wild man.” Let’s do this circa September 22nd, 2013 style baby!!
MJ: Thank you to this man, for making our Valentine’s Day so special!
Malia: Wait here? No baby! Not doing it! I know you!
MJ: One for the road?
Malia: I need to pee first. I’m so embarrassed or happy or shocked idk. Come take me MJ The Insanely loving pervert loving I mentioned that one already crazy husband.
MJ: Otw! I wanna lay you down on locker room bed of roses!! Hook’em Horns!!!!
Thank you Lana Del Rey and company, for treating Malia, myself, our friends, and our security so well. And, to our close friend on this voicemail, who thinks she’s not my favorite person, I just wanted to say…..Any friend/etc, of DK’s, is a friend/etc, of mine/ours…..
