A History of Jeff Dachis and Michael “MJ The Terrible” Johnson:
November 6th, 2016
Today was the most incredible business day of my life, and there isn’t even a close second. I was planning to announce that a particular agency, who is really good at keeping secrets, just signed off on letting me write a tell all (minus a few classified edits, I’m sure) book, about what made international headlines, but no one knew who was behind it. Well, those events are what created “MJ The Terrible”, and hopefully sometime next year, you’ll know not only who was behind those events, but you’ll know how mild mannered Michael Johnson, became “MJ The Terrible”.
Anyway, that was going to be my big announcement, but that can wait until after I finish this first. I get asked a lot about who my business heroes are, well Jeff Dachis is definitely the guy. Back in 1999 there was a dotcom boom 20/20 piece on him, and he’s basically the person who inspired me to get into tech.
I gotta say, I am excited as hell and then some!
March 15th, 2017
I reached out to my business idol Jeff Dachis towards the end of last year, and he wrote back.
From the time he wrote back until now, we have gotten to know each other a bit, and yesterday he offered me my dream job.
Mr. Dachis, I would love to drive that Ferrari, but I can’t move to New York. My family, and my future family are in Austin, Texas.
As much as I would love to work for my business idol, a billionaire internet entrepreneur, and brilliant innovator, I have to decline your incredibly generous offer.
I hope we can remain friends, and leave the door open to possible future endeavors. I have looked up to you for a long time, and I still do.
I wish I could go back to 1999, and tell the 19 year old me, that some day you would want to work with him.
Jeff, I want to assure you that I am not declining your offer to look like a big shot. I also want to make clear, that declining your offer is not an attempt to negotiate for more money. I genuinely would love to work with you, but my family has to come first.
If I showed your offer letter to just about any business person, they might think I was crazy for not accepting your offer, but the money hungry 19 year old kid I was, became a 36 year old father, who would rather be close to his family, than have millions of dollars in his bank account.
I may be a fool for declining your offer, but I am a happy daddy/husband/son fool, and I can live with that.
Thank you for thinking so highly of me and my abilities.
Sincerely,
Michael “MJ The Terrible” Johnson
March 17th, 2017
Question: Call me the fuck back! Who the fuck do you think you are? Your phone didn’t die. Your battery didn’t die. You hung up on purpose. I demand to know why. I offer you 25% more money to come work for me, and I get clicked on? You might turn me down so you can actually be #1 Dad when you get the #1 Dad coffee cup like every dad gets 20 times in in their life for fathers day, but you don’t fucking hang up on a $2,000,000 job offer. I didn’t have to reply when you reached out to me last year. You better not think for a minute you can treat me like some punk bitch clown. Call me this week or don’t. You have it all kid. Your talent has talent. I have some code monkeys who went to Harvard and you dominate them at code at the same time you are turning out the ideas like Edison. Your raw talent with my guidance could generate household name product after product. Don’t fuck that up! Jeff
Malia: Mr. Dachis, please read the post right before this one. MJ wasn’t himself today. I have known him for 5 years. This week was filled with massive ups and downs. One of MJ’s best friends died, President Obama called him, and the one constant he has had in his life for 11 years ended today. Please understand how emotionally draining those 3 events could be. I am not trying to make excuses for him. If this only happens once every five years, MJ is probably doing better than most of us. He is an amazing father and husband. He was maintaining a full time job, Masters of Money, his old house he lived in during the “MJ The Terrible” chaos was bought by the studio this week, and he will not have it anymore, which I know is weighing on his mind heavily(Suck it homeowners association. The sign is in the front yard. We faked it for you. Happy now? UGH!), time with me and the twins, his consulting work, and on top of that he is a great father. Please have a heart Mr. Dachis. Don’t give up on MJ! I didn’t give up on him when most of the people in his life did, and it was the best decision of my life. Sincerely, Malia Johnson
March 22nd, 2017
I did hang up on you Jeff, because 11 years of my life ended. It hurt! Regarding the world’s best Dad coffee cup, I would choose my family over any amount of money you could pay me.
I have looked up to you since the “Whine Of 1999, Everybody Is Getting Rich But Me” Spotlight Interview, and if the opportunity presented itself to work with you and keep my family #1, I would gladly do it!
Now, since you asked me “Who the fuck do you think you are?” I’m “MJ The Fucking Terrible”, and if you want me to work for you, I want $2,500,000, the Ferrari, and I work from my home, where my family is, in Austin, Texas!
Malia: Because he will talk about Jeff Dachis and his offer and the job all night long and I will sit there naked wanting him to want me while he is fantasizing about Jeff Dachis!
April 17th, 2017
JCAAP: I appreciate you staying with us MJ. I was thinking you would use another company now that you are making it big and all.
MJ: My momma taught me you always go home with the lady who brought you to the dance my friend.
JCAAP: Thank you. This year has been slow. I really appreciate your business.
MJ: When I was down you helped me, so it is only fair for me to do the same right?
JCAAP: You are a decent human being Mike. Oh wait, the last time we spoke you told me you were fake diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.
I have all your taxes and stuff done for your first quarter extended filing. You didn’t make shit but your trust made $787,704 and some change. I can’t believe it man. It is crazy how you could just turn it on like that. You were broke as a joke last year. I don’t think you could have paid your bill last year without that cute African American gal, aka Malia. I can’t remember what made your bill so much last year. I think you cashed out some of your retirement if I remember correctly or something like that. Something like that made it complicated, but its neither here nor there now.
I have known you for 12 years MJ. I know you don’t have no multiple personality disorder but if you did, who am I to judge? If you had like 4 personalities and I divided how much you made in the first quarter by each one of your 4 personalities, each one of your personalities made $196,926.
We should name them. If you had 4 personalities what would you name them?
MJ: Well thank you. How about John, George, Paul and Ringo?
JCAAP: The Beatles?
MJ: For some reason they were the first 4 names to come to mind.
JCAAP: Well alright Sgt. Profit.
MJ: Malia’s cat’s name is Penny Lane and she is sitting on my lap right now. I think that is what caused my John, George, Paul and Ringo multiple personality disorder names.
JCAAP: How are you, John, George, Paul and Ringo doing in q2 so far? Speaking of, who is this Jim Dodges guy? He called me an asshole. I hung up on him. He was mad because I wouldn’t give him your trust number. He wanted to send you a pre-work bonus for awesome work you were going to do but he wanted all of the information without giving any this way. I don’t think so!
MJ: That’s awesome! Jeff Dachis is his name. He is generous but demanding. Don’t you read Masters of Money?
JCAAP: No but maybe I should. How do I look at it?
MJ: You are only my accountant, who counts all of my money. Why would you know anything about my business? LOL!
JCAAP: Masters of Money doesn’t make any money MJ. Masters of Money is like the marketing arm for your defense and contracting work, with 5,000,000 potential customers. Don’t get me wrong, its brilliant to have a front company get all of the attention while your trust secretly makes millions, but Masters of Money and a quarter, wouldn’t pay for our lunch at Chili’s. I know you love Masters of Money and what you are doing for people with it, but if you take away all of your defense contracts, Masters of Money would have 50/50 odds of making it bud.
MJ: You have a way of shitting on things, while being an optimist at the same time. Anyway, I gotta run my friend. You and your better half wanna come over to the apartment next week?
JCAAP: I think we can. I don’t think we’re to busy after Tuesday, tax day. My wife just loves Malia. She is just wonderful.
MJ: I feel like a beast.
JCAAP: Why?
MJ: Like the movie, Beauty and the Beast.
JCAAP: If the shoe fits. Wait, that’s another movie.
MJ: I feel like if I cured cancer, ended poverty, and created world peace, everyone would say- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Malia is so wonderful.
JCAAP: We have been on a half a dozen double dates now, and you can’t leave her side for a minute. You wait outside of the bathroom for her.
MJ: I know. I think I just like to tease about it. She is wonderful.
JCAAP: Hey, did you guys have sex in the bathroom at PF Chang’s last time? I swear I was peeing in the urinal and I heard you guys in the stall.
MJ: A Kung Pao Quickie? I can not confirm or deny such outlandish, but probably amazing, rumors. You’re hearing things my friend.
JCAAP: I was hearing things. It sounded like sex.
MJ: No comment.
JCAAP: The one thing I can’t figure out about y’alls relationship is the power structure. She runs you dude, but you are so happy that i can’t say anything. Maybe I’m secretly jealous a little bit?
MJ: Let us know about dinner next week. The pool is done. Bring your bathing suits if you want to take a dip in the pool.
JCAAP: Alright we will holler back at you.
MJ: k. Later
June 26th, 2017
Question: This question is for MJ. I am a billionaire, one of the richest men in the world. Not to mention I pay you a shit ton of money month in and month out. Why is it that every time I call to talk to you or need something, Meredith or Karen always tell me, he will have to get back to you or some shit like that?
Jeff Dachis: This is how every call goes MJ. You are so fucking frustrating!
Jeff Dachis: Hi Meredith, it’s Jeff. Is MJ available?
Meredith Brooks: I’m sorry Mr. Dachis, he is in a meeting. He will have to get back to you.
Jeff Dachis: Meredith, is he really in a meeting?
Meredith Brooks: I am just doing my job Mr. Dachis. He has a daily schedule he follows. Right now he is in a dedicated time range, where he may not be in a meeting, but I can assure you he is working on something and he will get back to you.
Jeff Dachis: He is probably working on Malia! What is Malia’s #?
Meredith Brooks: I can’t give you that information Mr. Dachis.
Jeff Dachis: Meredith, I am a billionaire! Am I Masters of Money’s biggest client?
Meredith Brooks: Non defense, yes.
Jeff Dachis: Then why can’t I talk to him right now? Shouldn’t he be kissing my ass like a normal ad firm would be?
Meredith Brooks: Mr. Dachis, has MJ ever let you down besides not answering the phone when you want him to?
Jeff Dachis: No. He is the best at what he does.
Meredith Brooks: Then maybe it is worth waiting for a convenient time for both of you to talk?
Jeff Dachis: Did I mention I’m a billionaire?
Meredith Brooks: I know who you are Mr. Dachis.
Jeff Dachis: You know the Ferrari that he drives everyday? I bought him that! I am his biggest client! How do I get into Masters of Money’s VIP list?
Meredith Brooks: We don’t have a VIP list.
Jeff Dachis: Oh, so its so secret not even you know about it.
Meredith Brooks: Mr. Dachis, you know he will call you back.
Jeff Dachis: Meredith, I am going to regain my stature by hanging up on you now.
Meredith Brooks: Okay Mr. Dachis.
Jeff Dachis: Click!
MJ’s Answer: I don’t know Jeff. I’ll have to get back to you. (With love my friend!)
My Favorite Quotes From My Friend Billionaire Entrepreneur and Visionary Jeff Dachis by Michael “MJ The Terrible” Johnson – https://therealmjtheterrible.com/my-favorite-quotes-from-my-friend-billionaire-entrepreneur-and-visionary-jeff-dachis-by-michael-mj-the-terrible-johnson/
