Malia: Baby your travel detail is here. Where are you taking me?
MJ: Over there
Malia: Over where?
MJ: Can I tell you something?
Malia: Yes
MJ: You don’t have to keep getting ready. You are already the prettiest girl I have ever seen. You can just declare you are ready and we can go.
Malia: I’m almost ready. Give me a hint at least.
MJ: You can go to hell, and we will go to __________.
Malia: Texas! We are going to Austin Texas. It’s been a while. Let’s go get our Hook-em Horns on!
MJ: As you would say- “Wait to see.”
Malia: Today is our 10 year anniversary, and I know you. You like to go big during big moments. It has to be Austin or Port A, right?
MJ: I will give you one last hint. I am also a big fan of do overs.
Malia: You want to do over the day we met? I love the way we met. 10 years ago today was one of the best days ever. I don’t want to do it over differently.
MJ: Do you trust me?
Malia: Not if you want to do over the day we met that was magic. It was incredible!
MJ: Please trust me. I promise you will love this. This could go wrong, and it will still be great.
Malia: Ok, I guess I’ll go along with you on this crazy 10 year anniversary do over plan of yours.
MJ: The past 10 years of my life have been the best 10 years of my life because of you. I got this today. Let’s just enjoy this my love.
Malia: I already know what I’m getting at Perry’s.
MJ: I love Austin, and I love Perry’s Steakhouse, but our journeys will not be taking us to Perry’s today.
Malia: Well now I’m just all kinds of confused. Perry’s was our first restaurant, where we you know, made love afterwards for the first time and everything.
MJ: Baby! Let’s go!
Malia: No Perry’s? Are you at least taking me to a fine dining restaurant?
MJ: Nope
Malia: It is our 10 year anniversary! Wine me, dine me, 69 me!
MJ: You are going to shit yourself! I can’t wait.
Malia: I’m ready. I’ll be down shortly.
Malia and I met in San Antonio, Texas, on the Joint Base San Antonio military base 10 years ago while the military and intelligence community was deciding what to do with me regarding my alleged involvement as the chief architect of the Stuxnet computer virus, the world’s most powerful cyber weapon that was used to attack the Natanz Nuclear Facility in Iran.
Malia was a medical student intern working on the base in 2012, and I was more or less just stuck on base arrest I guess you could call it, at the time.
Malia figured out what I was up to when we landed on the runway at JBSA (Joint Base San Antonio), but I had some extra surprises that I planned, because I wanted her to be somewhat surprised, even if she figured some of it out as the night went along.
As soon as we got to the building I was not allowed to leave when we first met, she said- “Are we going to do a redo of the night we met, but this time you are actually going to leave with me because you are allowed too now?”
She was right. That was what we were about to do, but she had no idea that Miss Wanda was there to play her part like she did 10 years ago. Miss Wanda drove from Killeen Texas to San Antonio, to reunite for the perfect authentic 10 year anniversary do over. Thank you very much Miss Wanda! You’re the best!
Malia and I had a few drinks on the flight from Bethesda to San Antonio, so let’s just say we were in the mood to redo the night we met the right way!
After we got off the plane and took a jeep to the building where we were going to do our redo reenactment of the day we met, I asked Malia to wait outside, so that I could make sure everybody was ready. I told Malia to count to 30 and then come in.
Here is the play by play of what happened after Malia walked in.
Malia: Holy shit! Miss Wanda? Oh my God! Y’all are pulling out all the stops tonight.
Miss Wanda: Hi Malia. Thank you for coming. Miss Grant (Lana Del Rey) is right in there.
Side note- We had someone who looked like Lizzy Grant (Lana Del Rey), to be there and act like the real Lizzy Grant/Lana Del Rey did 10 years ago, the night Malia and I met.
Malia: Ok. I’ll check on her right away.
Malia: Hi. I’m here to check on Ms. Grant.
MJ: Ok
Side note- The emergency care team showed up to take the Lizzy Grant stand into her management team/the medical care facility on base. After they took “Ms. Grant” away, Malia and I had our first conversation ever redo. Again, we had some drinks on the plane and decided to ad lib a lot from what we actually said the night we met. Here we go……
Malia: Sir, I am going to have to ask you to leave. Please gather your things and leave the building.
MJ: I can’t leave ma’am. I have to stay here.
Malia: I was told to clear the area. Do you have a pass to be here?
MJ: No
Malia: If you don’t have a pass, get your stuff and get out. You can’t be in here.
MJ: The base commander will have me arrested if I leave.
Malia: Are you in the military?
MJ: No
Malia: Are you part of the civilian workforce?
MJ: No
Malia: Are you here with Ms. Grant?
MJ: No
Malia: Then get your shit and leave!
MJ: I can’t leave the building pretty girl. I will be arrested, so I’m sorry, but I’m staying right here.
Malia: I’m about to call the MP’s and have them throw your ass out of here.
MJ: I would like nothing more than to leave with you right now and spend the rest of my life with you and live happily ever after.
Malia: Why don’t you then?
MJ: Miss Wanda won’t let me leave. Maybe you can talk her into letting me take you to a concert?
Side note- Malia pulled her phone out and Googled concerts in San Antonio to see what bands were playing in San Antonio, thinking that I was about to take her to a concert. I said- You will never figure it out sweetheart. She said- “Are you taking me to see Pearl Jam?” My reply was- As awesome as that would be, I know they aren’t your favorite band, and they wouldn’t exactly be the perfect fit for tonight.” Ok, now back to it…..
Malia: Sir, is the reason you can’t leave with me is because you are the guy who built Stuxnet and caused every computer in the world running Windows software to get infected with your crazy virus?
MJ: If I was, would that scare you away, because I want a chance to get to know you better.
Malia: I will give you a chance, but you better not screw it up sexy cyber boy.
Miss Wanda: I can’t let him leave Malia. He is one crazy ass white boy. You never know. He could go off and start some World War 3 type shit.
Malia: I guess you’re not going to get your chance cute boy.
MJ: Miss Wanda, I know you aren’t supposed to let me out of your sight, and I’m not allowed to leave the building, but would you consider taking a bribe?
Miss Wanda: Maybe. I can think of something that I would like. I would like to go to the concert on the base tonight. If I went with you to the concert I could keep an eye on you. Do you have tickets to the concert?
MJ: Miss Malia, would you like to go to a concert with me on the base tonight?
Malia: What concert? What band?
Side note- I teared up. Then in a slightly teary but still extremely manly voice…..
MJ: You know who it is baby.
Malia: No, I don’t. Who is it? Can I have a clue?
MJ: I love you Malia. I can’t imagine the last 10 years without you, and I can’t imagine not spending everyday for the rest of my days without you.
Malia: No! It can’t be! She’s not touring right now!
Side note- I gave her the look, like this is about to happen.
Malia: No fucking way! Lana Del Rey?
Side note- I smiled with tears in my eyes. I knew she knew who it was for sure at that exact moment.
Malia: Holy shit! No fucking way! Holy shit!
Miss Wanda: Listen to the mouth on that girl. Maybe she need to have her mouth washed out with soap in the bathroom before the concert.
Malia: Miss Wanda, MJ, baby, are you guys messing with me?
Side note- Miss Wanda walked over to the room Malia and I were in, and then……
Miss Wanda: How excited would you be if LDR was here to perform for y’all’s 10 year anniversary?
Miss Wanda: Let’s do it together.
Side note- Miss Wanda and Malia both looked at each other and jumped up and down and said, “Holy shit!” about 20 times.
Then Miss Wanda, Malia and I went to a private concert on base performed by the one and only Lana Del Rey! The private concert was a once in a lifetime experience that could not have been any better.
Thank you so much Elizabeth Grant (Lana Del Rey), for helping to make Malia and I’s 10 year anniversary one of the most unforgettable nights of our lives.
Thank you, Brigadier General Caroline Miller, Lana Del Rey and her band, Eric Fanning, Miss Wanda, and Lackland Air Force Base/Joint Base San Antonio, for allowing Malia and I to have a redo of the day we met/celebrate our 10 year anniversary.
Malia May Johnson, thank you for taking a chance on me 10 years ago. Lord knows I didn’t deserve it. I will never understand why you gave me a shot but thank God you did!
What a special night. Malia May Johnson, you are my all everything and then some. Thank you for 7 amazing and awesome kids. You are my dream girl. You are everything I wanted and more. I love you forever! Thank you for the best 10 years of my life!
The Day Malia and I Met (3-8-2012) – https://www.therealmjtheterrible.com/the-day-malia-and-i-met-3-8-2012/
